I am sick and tired of being sick and tired! I don't know how to deal with the fact that I feel sick all the time. I try really, really hard to keep it to myself, to suffer in silence, paste on a smile and suck it up. Whining about it isn't going to change anything but there are times when it becomes too much. This isn't the flu, where I will feel better in a couple days.
People, I thought understood still look at me and think "If she only got out more." or "She just has to work through it." I know people that don't live it day in and day out can't really understand and I try and have patience and understanding, but sometimes like today, it is just beyond me.
I feel lightheaded and dizzy when I stand up. I feel nauseous but still try and drink cause I know how important it is. There is nothing like trying to force liquid down your throat when you feel like it's going to come right back up. The stomach/abdominal pain is always there. There isn't a moment when I don't look and feel like I am 9 months pregnant. Throw that all together, and yeah, that is my reality and it sucks. It really does and I am so freaking tired of it. I never feel good! Never! How am I supposed to just live with that? Please tell me, because I am out of ideas.
I can't remember the last time I laughed or was actually happy. When a smile was actually real. When I looked forward to something. I've tried looking at the little things in life and focusing on them, but right now, I can't even manage that much.
Our house is gone. We are living with my father in law and I am so thankful to have that support. The kids are having a hard time adjusting and are so upset about the possibility of having to switch schools. I wish that I could change things, make it easier for them. I don't know how. I feel helpless in so many ways and that is not a feeling I adapt to easy. My type A personality is throwing a hissy fit in my head, just another thing to add to my misery. My mom and dad have been absolutely amazing through this in so many ways. I hope they know how much their support and help has helped us. Throughout all this, my husband had shoulder surgery and it was just another thing to add to the stress. I don't have a whole lot left in me.
I am reading all these political posts and it's so bad right now. The country is falling apart around me and I feel numb. If you actually read this book, thank you for listening!