Saturday, March 30, 2013

Confession # 4

I sit here with a very heavy heart.  Missing yet another important event in my children's lives because of Dysautonomia.  If you don't know what it is please check out my video on it.

   Everytime I think I get used to these limitations, something reminds me of just how much it hurts.  I suffer in silence because if I cried and whined everytime something hurt me, I would never stop.  There isn't a day that goes by that I feel good; that I wake up in the morning like most people and just go through my day.  Our family talks in spoons. Anyone listening must think we are a bit nutty, and even though they are probably right, there is a good reason for this.  If you have no idea what that sentence means, see this post.  A simple shower uses up so many spoons that if I have somewhere to go, they can't be on the same day.  The simple things you do everyday, take great effort for me.  Sometimes I think people take my silence as a good thing.  The "if I am not complaining, I must be feeling good kind of thing".  It gives them a false sense of comfort and I suppose I have only myself to blame.  That is just not me.  I am so thankful for this blog that lets me release some of this pent up frustration.

This weekend also brings back some really painful memories of an event in my life that I would give anything to forget.  It happening on a major holiday makes it ten times more difficult.  I am trying everything and anything to get my mind off of what I am feeling.  I tell myself it's over but cannot seem to purge it from my mind.  It happened over 15 years ago, you'd think it was just history and yet I remember the feelings and anguish as if it was yesterday.  The memories make me feel sick inside, gives me a knot in the pit of my stomach that I just can't get to go away.

  I try and think about what Christ was going through and of course, I know my little struggles pale in comparison.   We don't deserve his love nor forgiveness.  It's not something you can earn or buy.  Christ suffered and died for our salvation.  He was whipped and hung on a cross, He had a crown of thorns piercing His head.  He was mocked, and made fun of. How very humbling that thought is especially when I start to feel self pity.  How unworthy I feel at His sacrifice.

Sunday brings hope and a promise when He rose from the dead.  He conquered death and if we believe, we will too.  It helps me to realize that life is so much bigger than my tiny, itty bitty little piece of it.  I don't believe in shoving my religion down others throats and I hope and pray that my actions will speak for me and my words here offer hope to others.

Wishing everyone a Very Blessed Easter!!

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