Tuesday, January 31, 2017

Insignificant...

Insignificant.  That's the word I've been looking for.  When people ask how I feel a million words come to mind...crappy, tired, frustrated, exhausted, sick of being sick, lonely, sad, hopeless, lost, or my usual go to..."hanging in there."  I am not exactly sure where there is, but it seems to get the point across.  Today, a new word came to mind though...Insignificant.  Absolutely. Positively. Insignificant. 

 I sit here and watch the world go by without me.  My youngest son goes to school and plays soccer, my oldest just graduated from the military about to enter a whole new world with college and hopefully a job in law enforcement down the road.  My husband is involved with work and a new promotion, which I couldn't be more proud of! He deserves it and so much more!  And me...I just sit here in this old uncomfortable chair in a cold basement, unable to get up the stairs, watching and waiting.  Waiting for the next obstacle that I have to overcome.  Will it be walking, talking, breathing, pain, dehydration, nausea, depression or trying to figure out how Obamacare will once again screw me over.  I won't even get started...

I have no purpose, nothing to offer.  I could disappear for a day and nothing would change.  Life would go on just like it usually does. There is a song I remember from Michael W. Smith that seems to express my fears and my struggle most eloquently... Place In This World. 

The wind is moving
But I am standing still
A life of pages
Waiting to be filled
A heart that's hopeful
A head that's full of dreams
But this becoming
Is harder than it seems
Feels like I'm

Looking for a reason
Roaming through the night to find
My place in this world
My place in this world
Not a lot to lean on
I need Your light to help me find
My place in this world
My place in this world

If there are millions
Down on their knees
Among the many
Can you still hear me?
Hear me asking
Where do I belong?
Is there a vision
That I can call my own?
Show me I'm

Looking for a reason
Roaming through the night to find
My place in this world
My place in this world
Not a lot to lean on
I need Your light to help me find
My place in this world
My place in this world

Looking for a reason
Roaming through the night to find
My place in this world
My place in this world
Not a lot to lean on
I need Your light to help me find
My place in this world
My place in this world

Looking for a reason
Roaming through the night to find
My place in this world
My place in this world

Here is a link if you want to hear it, it's really a beautiful song! 

I need to find a purpose. I need to find a place in this world, where I make a difference.  I refuse to believe that this is all that God has planned for me but I find myself desperately "looking for a reason." Asking why? Why me, why now? Why?  Some days like this one it's just an overwhelming feeling that gets the better of me.  I know the old me is gone, and I try so hard to live with my limitations, but I miss her so desperately sometimes.  I feel like no one really understands how lonely of a place "no where" can be.

“Courage does not always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, 'I will try again tomorrow.”